30 Year Old Confessions

Tuesday, December 1, 2009

19 vs 29

I was left, “On my knees, with my head in my hands”… good old Gwen, I thought that I couldn’t survive and yet here I am… Looking back on it all...


19.1: I wanted a 25” waste line to impress the boys…
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29.1: Fuck the bullshit! Appreciate it or go fuck an inexperienced 19 year-old; this time it’s all about me!


19.2: Make-up got me into places…
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29.2: Hard earned wrinkles do!


19.3: I wanted to change the world…
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29.3: I’ve realized the world has changed me


19.4: I’d say “fuck off” and bow my head and cry when they’d walk away…
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29.4: LMFAO! Tears are for people who know my worth! Today, "FUCK OFF" means just that!


19.5: I was terrified of rejection…
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29.5: Thanks for improving my short list!


19.6: I wondered, “Do I call, don't I?"...
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29.6: Fuck the bullshit, he’s hot! Let’s see if he belongs on the short list!


19.7: Someone would laugh at me and it'd cause insecurities...
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29.7: LMAO! I stay quiet and think, “You’re a fuckin’ idiot!”


19.8: Boys were toys…
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29.8: Boys are still toys! Men are to be appreciated!


19.9: When someone walked away I would think I was missing out...
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29.9: I've realize, "they're" missing out!


19.10: I thought I was in “their” world...
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29.10: Bullshit, “they’re” lost as fuck in mine, and I’m not givin’ em a map or directions… If “they” belong on the short list, they’ll find a way to my heart!


19.11: I had to see my friends everyday or at least talk to em'...
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29.11: I’ve realized that true friendship transcends all time and space!


19.12: I needed people…
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29.12: I have earned the privilege of wanting people in my life and no longer needing them!


19.13: I thought I had all the answers…
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29.13: I’ve got about 65% of them and I ain’t sharing!


19.14: I was unbreakable…
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29.14: I live in a glass house and life doesn’t always throw roses my way… I now know that it’s time to get the fuck up, appreciate the blood, tears, bruises, and scratches and for the love of God – I gotta clean up this fuckin’ mess!


19.15: I wanted the bruises and my scratches to heal... ah, vanity...
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29.15: Fuck vanity! I want all those bitches there! They’re my war wounds and they help ease the blow the 2nd, 3rd, 4th and 10th time around!


19.16: I was prideful…
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29.16: I’m confident!


19.17: I would’ve done anything for the person I loved...
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29.17: True love does not require sacrifice, that was my for ego, it requires compromise, compatibility, maturity, acceptance, space, time, and more compromise!


19.18: I was a victim of life…
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29.18: I’m a survivor of my own destiny!


19.19: I wanted to capture him with my looks...
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29.19: I’m intriguing and that’s what captures the soul!

Divorcing Dependence

In 30 days I will no longer be a twenty year old; it’s surreal! I’m excited to embrace full adulthood, it’s said that age is just a number but the experiences that one has in those years and what is socially implied by that number has definitely made me feel grown up. I have learned so much about myself; I can be vulnerable, weak, shaken, and numb. As strange as it may sound I’ve always wanted to know what it’s like to feel this way… I have been brought to my knees and am ready to get back up again.

Yesterday, I was so utterly exhausted; I hadn’t been that tired in a long time… The last 5 months have been so trying, between heart attacks, separations, loneliness , anger, pain, surgeries, drinking, dating again (what!?!)… My ability to cry and feel went away, I didn’t know that was possible… I have never shielded myself from anything. It’s always been pure, raw, emotion and it was so odd to get to know this side me…

Divorcing dependence for me means embracing who I am… Yup, I got a super hero complex and I want to save the world unfortunately the world doesn’t care to be saved (why the fuck didn’t I get the memo?)… When you define yourself as the person that’s always there, you leave no space for yourself and you create false expectations of people, when really you have no right (I had no right). No one owes me anything but I owe myself everything and just because that’s case doesn’t mean I can’t be who I am. I’ve learned that in life there is a place for everything and everyone… Some people belong in the past and saying goodbye hurts but I’ve also learned to appreciate the time spent… I’m learning to surround myself with people who make me laugh and make me happy and hopefully I do the same for them and I’m learning, I’m forcing myself, to understand that tomorrow is just that and that I don’t need to worry about it when it comes to who will be there and who won’t because I’ll be there and that’s all that matters…

The tears have come back; I missed them so much and all it took was letting my guard down… Regardless of whether I’m guarded or not shit is gonna hurt – it’s not worth the effort to curve who I am; it just made me fearful and detached...

And there it is… My spot, my comfort zone, where I hold nothing back… The person that I am who loves unconditionally without fear of retribution because nothing can break me… And at the end of the day the reactions of others, does not matter, it’s not problem or my burden… My only burden is me and my actions; what defines me is what I have to own up to, nothing more… I’ve run into people from my past that knew the former and their response has been, “wow! I can’t believe life has gotten to you too!” At first, it made me angry but as I realize that I lost so much of me… I’ve also realized that the same way I put myself in this position, I am starting to remove myself from it and I’m coming out stronger and with a better understanding and appreciation of who am… And that, right there, that feeling is so empowering.