Divorcing Dependence

In 30 days I will no longer be a twenty year old; it’s surreal! I’m excited to embrace full adulthood, it’s said that age is just a number but the experiences that one has in those years and what is socially implied by that number has definitely made me feel grown up. I have learned so much about myself; I can be vulnerable, weak, shaken, and numb. As strange as it may sound I’ve always wanted to know what it’s like to feel this way… I have been brought to my knees and am ready to get back up again.

Yesterday, I was so utterly exhausted; I hadn’t been that tired in a long time… The last 5 months have been so trying, between heart attacks, separations, loneliness , anger, pain, surgeries, drinking, dating again (what!?!)… My ability to cry and feel went away, I didn’t know that was possible… I have never shielded myself from anything. It’s always been pure, raw, emotion and it was so odd to get to know this side me…

Divorcing dependence for me means embracing who I am… Yup, I got a super hero complex and I want to save the world unfortunately the world doesn’t care to be saved (why the fuck didn’t I get the memo?)… When you define yourself as the person that’s always there, you leave no space for yourself and you create false expectations of people, when really you have no right (I had no right). No one owes me anything but I owe myself everything and just because that’s case doesn’t mean I can’t be who I am. I’ve learned that in life there is a place for everything and everyone… Some people belong in the past and saying goodbye hurts but I’ve also learned to appreciate the time spent… I’m learning to surround myself with people who make me laugh and make me happy and hopefully I do the same for them and I’m learning, I’m forcing myself, to understand that tomorrow is just that and that I don’t need to worry about it when it comes to who will be there and who won’t because I’ll be there and that’s all that matters…

The tears have come back; I missed them so much and all it took was letting my guard down… Regardless of whether I’m guarded or not shit is gonna hurt – it’s not worth the effort to curve who I am; it just made me fearful and detached...

And there it is… My spot, my comfort zone, where I hold nothing back… The person that I am who loves unconditionally without fear of retribution because nothing can break me… And at the end of the day the reactions of others, does not matter, it’s not problem or my burden… My only burden is me and my actions; what defines me is what I have to own up to, nothing more… I’ve run into people from my past that knew the former and their response has been, “wow! I can’t believe life has gotten to you too!” At first, it made me angry but as I realize that I lost so much of me… I’ve also realized that the same way I put myself in this position, I am starting to remove myself from it and I’m coming out stronger and with a better understanding and appreciation of who am… And that, right there, that feeling is so empowering.